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Sixty-six subjects in the book are part of a narrative that weaves together brief encounters with lifelong relationships, loves and friendships at times broken by landscapes to give pause but also to reflect emotional states.Ī carnival ride from a county fair in upstate New York called Trapeze perfectly captures my own feelings while taking photographs, excitement and fear hurled together. I am constantly peeling back ideas of myself, unsure whether they are truth or construct. Learning to be your true self as a gay man is a lifelong project. X is personally confrontational it forces me to be honest. That welcoming hand is in some ways for me too. Right up until the eleventh hour this remained the starting point, but as I completed the edit I made a final change and placed a self-portrait at the beginning. It implies openness, and an invitation into my space, my world, to join me on my journey and make it your own. There’s an outstretched hand at the start of the book. I had for many months been toying with concepts for a new book, but finally now lacked distraction. The stay-at-home order wasn’t going away, and the relationship with my six black (wild) cats wasn’t improving. When lockdown started in London, almost a year ago, I was alone like many others, and after the initial month of living excessively, Zoom family quizzes, and finger-dancing hard to BBC Radio 6, I ran into notions of creativity. There’s a symbiosis between my art and my life. It’s more biographical than anything else and takes place over a 12-year period.
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X is a raft of memory, specifically related to my many interactions with men, but the series doesn’t focus on any particular group. When I was 27, and finishing my photography degree, I unknowingly began the journey seen in this book. I got so good even I began to believe it, for a moment at least, enough to ignore it. As a teenager, I retreated to spaces I could control, but eventually got better and better at the lie every day was an act. To make sure I wasn’t doing anything that would make me stand out, to make sure I was as invisible as possible.
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In the words of the Queen of Ireland herself, Panti Bliss, I learned to constantly “check myself” from a young age. I knew that attraction was a problem by the age of 10. I hadn’t even seen a Tom of Finland book, but it made sense many years later in the book section at the back of Tower Records. There’s a moment, a foggy memory with a policeman and a hairy chest.
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